When I look at this second self-portrait in my Self Portrait Project, I see so much more than just two faces staring back at me. Painted in early 2024, this piece captured a pivotal moment in my life—a time when I was desperately trying to pull myself out of the darkness I had been living in. The summer of 2023 had wrecked me in ways I never imagined. I had finally moved out of Colorado, escaping the state that had drained my spirit, and landed in Asbury Park, New Jersey, which felt like a new beginning. But that new chapter didn’t start as smoothly as I had hoped.
I won't go into the long story, but the reality was, I was a mess. I had fucked up my life that previous summer, badly. My relationship was hanging by a thread, if it hadn’t already failed, and the holidays? Let’s just say they were some of the worst I’ve ever had. I wasn’t in a place to talk about it then, and honestly, I’m still not. But the pain, confusion, and self-doubt I was feeling needed an outlet, and this painting became exactly that.
At the time, I felt ugly—both inside and out. My self-worth was buried so deep that I couldn’t even recognize the person I was anymore. This painting wasn’t just an artistic exercise—it was my way of reminding myself who I was. It was a declaration to myself that I was still here, still capable of creating something beautiful, even when I didn’t feel that way. The duality in the two faces reflects that struggle—one face looking forward, determined to reclaim my sense of self, while the other stares ahead, still lost in the mess of emotions I was carrying with me.
It’s now October 2024, and I’m writing about this portrait nearly nine months after I painted her. Time gives you a different perspective, doesn’t it?
As I look back on this piece, I can’t help but feel like my ego was a little inflated—there’s something almost audacious about painting myself twice in the same self-portrait. It’s as if I was shouting into the void, trying to convince myself that I was still worthy, still powerful, despite everything falling apart around me. I’m not sure if this is my favorite self-portrait anymore, but I do see the significance of it. This painting is a snapshot of a woman trying so hard to climb out of the shell she had lived in for so long.
During the time I painted this, I knew deep down that I was entering a new chapter. I had hit rock bottom, and I didn’t want to stay there. I wanted to feel pretty again—not in a superficial way, but in the sense of feeling whole, of reclaiming my confidence. I was tired of feeling lost, tired of feeling broken, and tired of living in the shadow of who I knew I could be. This self-portrait is a reflection of me trying to piece together all the shattered parts of myself, to be better, to grow, and to finally start getting my life together.
I can see in this painting that I was trying to do more for myself. The colors, the intricacies in the brushstrokes, and the choice to portray myself in a more empowered light all speak to that desire for change. The ornate frame surrounding the painting feels almost regal, like I was trying to wrap myself in something precious, something valuable—because deep down, I wanted to remember that I was worth the effort.
Now, as 2024 draws to a close, I look at this portrait with new eyes. It may not be my favorite anymore, but it holds a place of deep significance in my heart. It represents the moment when I made the conscious decision to turn things around. I was on the brink of what I now call my “get my fucking shit together” chapter. This painting marked the start of my journey toward healing and growth, even if I didn’t know it at the time.
I’m grateful for this self-portrait, even with its imperfections, because it shows me exactly where I was—emotionally, mentally, and artistically. And it serves as a reminder that we all have the power to change, to evolve, and to create something new from the rubble of what’s been broken.
This project continues to be about more than just paint on glass. It’s about capturing the essence of who I am, year by year, moment by moment. And this second self-portrait from 2024 is a testament to the fact that even in our lowest moments, there’s still beauty to be found, and strength to be gained, if we’re willing to look for it.
